21 years of Motherhood

Who knew being real, vulnerable, and transparent would hit such a chord?

I've been so touched with the response after writing The X Factor. Lots of gratitude for being honest, vulnerable. My therapist completely embraced me writing about something new, happy, positive, and taking a risk about putting myself out there and following my path, a path that has turned out to be one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Things in my life have been going extraordinarily well. There is this calmness and serenity that I don't think has ever been there. I LOVED having both kids home. We had lengthy dinners, saw movies, went to the gym, watched tv on our awesome new sectional and just were. And as much as I loved having them home, I loved that they were so honest about wanting to get back to school and the lives they have created, and I was ready to not have to think about what I was making for dinner. As I transition into mom of two young adults, I am starting to realize that I am going to love this new chapter of my motherhood: supportive, fun, independent, and giving them space to find their way as I find mine. I truly love hanging out with them and their friends, giving advice, laughing, and just living. (Editorial note-the girl just Face Timed me to discuss her courses and the dogs are COMPLETELY confused as to why they cannot find her. One of them is whirling he's so upset.) Guess who?

This is my boy begging for steak after J grilled on Sunday. It was 70 degrees this weekend. 70 degrees in not so wintry New England. Even Tempo is happy. It still breaks my heart when I remember him crying in his crate the night of the Discard after the Wasband in a span of 20 minutes informed me he was leaving us and then left in a U Haul. Then I crack up when I remember the last time he saw the Wasband and after being fed a lie about "Give me a hug Tempo, no one hugs me anymore" punched him. I truly believe dogs are the best indicator of character. Guess who is completely smitten with J? When he's here, I don't exist. He cuddles up next to him, tries to hug him, tries to sleep on him and tries to lick him. Jumps right in the back of his Jeep to go on an adventure. It is ridiculously adorable.

It is also ridiculously adorable how I can't stop smiling. On our first date I asked him (J not the dog), "What's a song that you never get sick of listening to?" and being Steph, I didn't even give him a chance to answer and told him mine, "No Cars Go" by Arcade Fire.

Guess who got a No Cars Go tee-shirt for Christmas?

I know. (Insert smile:)

So as you can see, my life is brimming with light and love. Almost bursting. So when I started crying today when I heard Adeline by alt-J I was completely taken aback. I mean the song is about a Tasmanian devil falling in love with a women while she's swimming.

"I wish you well." The song is just tinged with shadows of sadness.

The tears just started streaming.

My baby boy is turning 21 in 2 days.

21 years of being a mom.

19 years of me not having a mom while trying to figure out how to be one.

And then I remembered. The old blog had many entries before D's birthday-for whatever reason, his birthday brings up so much of her.

OMG, look at those tiny sneakers. Do you know how many times I told that kid to move his size 10 1/2 shoes while he was home because I kept tripping over them? That little Peanut now towers over me. Here we are running a race on Martha's Vineyard last summer.

Every year this kid crushes this race. It's one of my favorite traditions I do with him. And how did I give birth to such a tall kid??

21. Where did the time go? I felt like just yesterday I was reading 10 Little Monkeys over and over, singing Raffi songs in the car, watching endless hours of Blues Clues, finding every truck for him when we drove, and playing Rescue Heroes.

And trying to figure out how to me a mom with mine no longer alive.

D could do no wrong in my mom's eyes. If there was a role she was waiting her entire life for, it was Grandma Cora. The two of them were inseparable. She spoiled him rotten and he loved every minute of it. One of the last memories I have of my mom is coming home from being out with friends and seeing her with Drew next to her, Amelia in her arms, reading to them both on the couch. Both of them bathed, in their pajamas, quiet and content, something I had trouble achieving. How did she make it look so easy?

Because if there's something I've learned over the past 21 years, mothering is not easy.

Loving my kids?

Easy.

The rest of it?

I'm still learning and think that I will always be learning.

My kids have had to go through things that many kids haven't. Losing my mom on 9/11, losing their grandfather after only just meeting him, and two divorces. It will be 10 years this February since their dad and I split. 10 years. A part of me finds that hard to believe. One of the things I'm most proud of is the relationship their dad and I have and our commitment to raising two kids together despite not being married. I mean we exchange Christmas gifts. And he's Jewish.

Seriously.

The part of being a mom to young adults is that from being the caretaker to sometimes having them take care of me.

D was home the night of the Discard and immediately knew something wasn't right. Like after 9/11, my first reaction was that I had to stay together because everyone would be depending on me. No time for tears. Someone had to be strong. The same thing happened that warm Thursday night. I could see the confusion and pain in his face when I told him what happened-hell, at that point I didn't even know what happened.

And then something happened that I didn't expect.

He took care of me. I don't think he had ever seen me so lost and in the state I was in.

So what do you do when you're 19 and your stepdad walks out on your family with no warning?

You tell your mom, "We're watching Thor."

Not knowing what to do, I nodded yes.

I don't remember a lot about that night. I'm not even sure how much of the movie I watched. In the weeks that followed, that kid didn't leave to go to his dad's. Sharing custody, the kids split their time between the 2 houses. He didn't go to his dad's for weeks. I don't think he wanted me to be alone. We spent a lot of time that summer as I started to rebuild my life. I didn't realize until now just how grateful I am for that time with him. About 6 weeks after the Discard, I remember telling him, "It's okay. You can go to to your dad's."

On the one year anniversary of what I now refer to as the Liberation of Stephanie, he bought me a gift.

A poster of Thor to remind me just how far I have come.

How far we've all come.

21.

I turned 21 with D's dad drinking a Long Island Iced Tea at Bennigans.

I became engaged to his dad at 21.

I know. Who gets a Long Island Iced Tea and gets engaged at 21??

We recently celebrated his birthday early with family and friends and when I brought up this fact, everyone yelled, "Don't get engaged when you're 21! Look how it turned out for your parents" followed by lots of laughter.

Our marriage might not have turned out, but we turned out 2 pretty amazing kids.

This Thursday we're taking him and some friends out to celebrate his birthday and finally being able to order a drink. There will always be this piece of me that will feel the absence of my mom. The other part of me will toast the young man who has accomplished so much, is one of the most honest people I know, and when his mom was blindsided by the person she trusted the most, knew what she needed was to watch a Superhero movie because eventually she would come back even stronger (though I'm thinking nowI need a hammer). Thank you D for taking care of me.

So what song to leave you with? My kid is a metal head. I can't even count the endless playlists he's created. He's even made some for me with songs he thinks I'd like. He played this one once on the way home from college and I immediately knew this was a total Stephanie song, and he knew it too. If I was ever in a band, I'd play bass to this with a little black dress, my Doc Marten boots, in a small dingy club with sticky floors, and scary bathrooms.

A girl can dream.

Enjoy.