The Adventures of Steph's Dating Life: The X Factor

A few weeks ago one of my students asked me, "Stephanie, what's your favorite word?" I was stumped-I honestly didn't know. This question lingered in my head for quite awhile until a word came to me: TRANSPARENT. Definition: having thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived.

Since the Discard I've really tried to lead a more transparent existence. At 47, I found myself with a 17 and 19 year old, 2 rescue dogs, and about to go through a second divorce. How did I become a member of the Double D club? The first 6 months of my therapy focused on the shock of spousal abandonment (and folks when your spouse tells you as you're finishing your business in the bathroom that things have been tough and he's moving out just as one of your kids yell out, "Mom, why is there a U Haul in the driveway?" there's no other word for it), the second 6 months on figuring just who I was, and the following months on what I wanted in a relationship. I've gone from once a week to once a month so I'd say I'm pretty good at this therapy thing.

My last blog was dedicated to grief-specifically losing my mom on 9/11. I write to connect. I read to connect. Reading and listening to other's people's stories, their journeys has helped me tremendously. I applaud and admire their courage and vulnerability to be so transparent in hopes of connection. As a writer, you know intrinsically when you're ready to write about something. You don't choose, it chooses you. My story of the Runaway Husband is not quite ready to come out and it may never be. Time will tell. That doesn't mean I'm curled up in a ball eating Twinkies and listening to Celine Dion all day-quite the opposite. I did more than survive that ordeal-I came out thriving. And for reasons I still don't quite understand, I had to see the Wasband for the first time in a year on Christmas Eve after a year of communicating only through lawyers. I left that awkward interaction knowing that my life right now is exactly where it should be. Exactly. I'm all good here sitting on my new gigantic sectional with the dogs that I bought with the money when I sold my engagement ring.

So back to my theme of therapy for most of the year-what do I want in a relationship? When I first started dating, my kids made a list for me. Must have steady job with consistent income, must have savings account (specifically more money in his than they do in theirs), must be a parent-pretty basic stuff that was lacking with marriage #2. As I started dating, other things started to emerge as important that I never would have have thought of proactively; it was only as I was in relationships that these things weren't present, that I realized just how important they were to me. Then came the plane ride that changed everything.

I was on my way to my sister's wedding in Alabama a few days before the 18th anniversary of 9/11. I was a newly inducted member of the Empty Nesters club and knew I had to end the relationship I was in. I watched a movie, that gave me the total kick in the butt I needed.

The Sun is Also a Star.

I know what you're thinking. Seriously Steph?

Yes. Seriously.

I had seen the trailer and was mesmerized by one scene. Basically hot guy tells cynical, cute girl that he's going to make her fall in love with him in one day and she's like, yeah, right Buddy. There's a scene in which he explains what makes a relationship work.

Friendship, chemistry, some sort of moral compass, common interests, and the X factor.

She looks at him with a Whatchya Talkin' Bout Willis look and asks, "What's the X factor?

Hot, charming, guy says, "Don't worry, we've got it."

I sat there completely mesmerized at this X factor concept. What was it? Is it really attainable? From what I could tell from my tiny screen was that what it seemed to be this ease of getting along, this spark, butterflies, something you couldn't define yet could see and feel it. It's either there or it's not.

I was like, I am so putting the X factor on my list. Actually, his entire list was now going on my list.

At 48 and twice divorced, I have built a pretty awesome life for myself. I honestly had never been on my own. Sad,I know. I intentionally didn't date for 6 months after the divorce because I needed that space and time. I knew I would know when I was ready and I did. My happiness would not be defined by my relationship status. I found joy in so many things in my life. I wanted a relationship to add vibrance and illuminate the lovely life I had. I would not settle until I found the X factor.

I've always just met people-I had nothing against online dating, I just didn't need to because I always met people. When I returned from the wedding, I did end that relationship and was going to give myself a couple of weeks to just chill and then try online dating. Of course I met someone (on a roof no less-I know) one week later so never got around to it. Like the previous ones, that one ended, and like the previous ones, for good reasons. I look back at these experiences very grateful for them-they've helped me in trying to figure out just what I want and don't want.

So after the last one, my tribe was like, maybe you should try online dating. My therapist thought this was a terrific idea. I love her-she was basically like, you're such a positive person and you try to make things work even when you know they probably won't. You need a screening process, you need to get better at the "assessment piece". Okay, I could agree with that. The thought though of creating a profile, just how does one online date-it all seemed so overwhelming so I decided I would wait until after Christmas when I had time off from work to do it.

Then we had two snow days. After I had read, Hulud (I think I just made up a word), and shoveled all I could, I was like, well, might as well try it. I was under strict instructions from so many people to go out there and have fun, date as many people as I could, not to get in a relationship, and just date. I told the bff this plan over our weekly margarita date and she was like, yeah that sounds good on paper, but that's not really you (I think that was the point right, because my way really wasn't working:). She then said, "You realize you have a type? You date the palest, blue eyed guys and all I hear from you is how much you like tall, dark, and handsome." I was slightly offended that she thought I had a type (she was so right) and was like, yeah what is up with that Steph? I thought about who I swoon over.

I won't even tell you how many times I've watched John Wick.

Remember my last entry? Can we say Henry Golding five times fast?

And then there's Mr. X Factor himself.

Hmm, what do all of these men have in common???

Exactly.

So over 3 cups of chai tea, I chose one dating app to join and created an online profile. The questions were so broad. Honestly, I didn't sit there and second guess my responses. I wrote from the heart-if you didn't get my references, then we were not meant to be. One of my responses was something to the effect of "I like to sit in an independent coffee shop and engage in conversation to Arcade Fire." And yes, I've discussed them before here too. Do you see where this is going?

Then the craziness began. I'd get notifications non -stop on my phone. And I wasn't searching-these were all people who found me. It was like having a second full time job. At first I tried to be nice and respond to everyone but that was really cutting into my binge watching of Dirty John which I was told I had to watch.

Connie Britton's character has been married multiple times and then it turns out hat Mr. Right #567 is really a psycho. Seems like I'm not the only one not so good at the "assessment piece." It's okay Connie-you just have a big heart.

Swiping became a new hobby. But I took the advice everyone had given me and was going to meet lots of people and "have fun."

At the end of day 2 (damn you snow days) I had started "conversations" with 5 people who were all incredibly different but had potential. But there was one that stood out. One that I knew right away could be "trouble." Trouble meaning a relationship. "Go out and date as many people as you can" those words kept ringing in my head. Do not get in a relationship. Which I know sounds ridiculous because isn't that the point? To find someone? Whatever.

First of all, he had the look that the before mentioned men had. He was funny and smart. And then he wrote, "Arcade Fire huh? I thought my brother and I were the only people I know who knows them."

O.M.G. He listens to Arcade Fire.

Damnit.

By Thursday of that week, the other 4 had asked me out on a date that weekend. He hadn't. I was hoping he would and was saving the prime time real estate of Saturday night for him. Finally he asked and I was like um yes please, and let's go for sushi because none of the other guys I had dated liked sushi and I knew he did and love of sushi suddenly became an important factor on my list-right after moral compass.

So I did what everyone said I should do and went on all the dates and really met some cool people (I only ran out on one-sent the emergency text of "Get me the hell out of here"). Maybe my tribe was right? Maybe I just needed to go out and have fun. But I still hadn't had my date with him. I mean I actually went out and bought a new sweater for this one (which by the way some woman at the restaurant came over and complimented me on it and I acted like oh this old thing when in fact it had taken 2 hours at the mall to find the perfect one). Transparency people.

Within the first 5 minutes of our date, I knew, finally knew, just what the X factor might be. Now I have been accused, and rightly so, of thinking "this is the one" early on. I love that my people hold me accountable.

But this was different. Apparently I've said that before too. But this was really different. There was just this energy, this vibe that flowed so effortlessly. I went back to hot movie guy's list. Friendship (our first date was 4 hours and we ended up closing down a bar we had so much to talk about). Chemistry-yup. Moral compass-check. Common interests-the list is too long to get into but he might actually have better musical taste than me (might) and didn't look at me like I had 2 heads when I said that my two idols were Aarya Stark and Eleven, two independent, spirited, don't mess with me teenage girls.

I mean I actually own an I Dump Your Ass teeshirt.

I had an extra ticket to see one of my favorite bands for the following weekend so asked if he wanted to go but warned him that my friends would be there and I could see how it would be kinda awkward (actually really awkward) to have a second date with 3 other people there. He didn't hesitate at all and said he'd love to go.

Damnit, I was seriously failing at this don't fall for one person thing. He was such a trooper and went on a date with the four of us (and I got the "he gets a third date with you" text from an amiga that night) which made me feel better because I had already decided a third date was a go and that my "assessment" screening was actually working this time!

Way to go Steph! I'm learning:)

So back to being transparent, I think this is how this entire thing started. I think people have so many rules about life-especially dating and relationships. My head hurts sometimes listening to all of them-it sometimes feels like no one is being real because someone on the internet says do this, don't do this. It got me to thinking about a conversation I once had with a friend about when to announce a pregnancy. Some people don't announce it until they get through the first trimester. Some start telling people the minute they see that blue line. My friend said, "I let people know early on so they can celebrate. And if something bad happens, they can be there to help us through the bad times." So I guess that's what I'm doing here-I've seen too many fail at relationships because of "rules." I mean look at the books out there on it. I say, just be real, and do what feels right. Now I do realize that I may not have the best relationship record under my belt (reality check when your 20 year old says "Hey mom, I've been dating my girlfriend longer than any of your past relationships). Whatever, you're so out of the will kid. But I do know this-I reflect a lot on what worked, what didn't and am finally learning at 48 to listen to my gut, to listen to my head, and to listen to my heart.

And my gut, head, and heart are all screaming the same thing. For the first time I am completely and 100% me in a relationship. I don't feel like I need to put on any hats. And that people, I think is my point here.

Well actually, I do love hats. I think I've eaten about 5 pounds of homemade Chex Mix over the past few days and today got a big lift in and did yoga hoping to sweat the Corn Chex out of me. Here I am post Cleanse the Chex out of me workout. Right before the BFF and I ate an entire bag of popcorn and peanut m&ms at the movies. It's vacation right? And for the record, the BFF gave him the stamp of approval. OMG, how much do I love my BFF? She got me a dinosaur for Christmas!

And my shirt-a gift from him. Like I said, his musical taste is off the charts (another thing to put on the list-must like rap and hip hop. All of the other guys I've dated didn't like it and I was like how can you NOT like it? Put it right behind chemistry.) I mentioned to him that I start my poetry unit by reading The Rose that Grew from Concrete poem by Tupac. He got me the shirt. I know. I'm in serious trouble.

And I've never been happier to be in so much trouble.

Transparency. There is so out there about what not to do, to say, examining why things fail. I could write daily about why my last marriage failed. I say, let's write about something new, something that feels right out of a movie, about dating in your late 40s when you have young adult children and 2 over protective dogs (for the record, the dogs LOVE him and my heart melted a little when I saw him feeding some bacon to them). Must love dogs is a must on the list. I've never wanted to write about any of the post divorce relationships I've had. Heck, I never even posted a picture of just us on social media (maybe one or 2 of a collage with them in the background). Because that's what I realize what those were now-background. Background noise waiting for something to happen. Timing is everything. He has now admitted to me that he was going to let his subscription run out because he was getting tired of the dating scene. And then came me who wrote about her love of charcuterie and Arcade Fire. And for the record, my favorite Arcade Fire song is No Cars Go.

I guess the moral of this is-be yourself. Don't ever try to be someone else for someone else, try to make something work when you know it won't, and don't play by other people's rules. I can't see into a crystal ball and see what the future will bring but I can tell you this. Any man who would share his Disney Plus account with me is a MAN.

Can we say Baby Yoda?

So what song to end with. I've been listening to Billie Eilish all night. I know, Steph the Pop Princess is back. Billie is different. The depth of the sorrow she taps into-its heartbreaking. It was either going to be this or I Love You. Lovely won for 2 reasons. #1-I first heard it during yoga and closed my eyes through the entire song it was so haunting. #2-I think this song is about getting out of a bad place-in your heart, in your head. Billie and Khalid say they named it Lovely because it was so depressing. So why end with such a depressing song? Maybe as a reminder of where I once was? Maybe because I love the violin? Maybe just because I love it. It doesn't really matter. It's just a ridiculously beautiful song. That makes you feel. And that's what life is all about.

Enjoy.

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