Look at Her Now

Sometimes, in order to fully appreciate being in the moment, you have to look back. I try not to look back too much-it really doesn't get me anywhere. Just lots of questions and, even worse, "What if?"

What if my mom had missed her plane?

What if she had decided to go on another day?

What if one of the kids had been sick-she would have stayed to help me take care of them.

You go down a rabbit hole (to be honest, I've never actually seen a rabbit go down a hole-I trust it though).

My message to my kids after the Discard, was, "We all need to move on."

And we have. In the most tremendous ways.

During yoga on Thanksgiving morning my favorite Backstreet Boys instructor reminded us to take a moment that day to just be and remember one thing to be grateful for everything will be different next year. It reminded me of something a very wise woman once said to me, "Find the moment as we know this time next year nothing will be the same!"

My moment didn't come at the Thanksgiving table full of family, love, stuffing, pie, and laughter. My moment came on a Saturday afternoon, when both college kids were hanging out in my bedroom, everyone on the king sized bed, including both dogs who loved having everyone home. I looked around and had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude and grace. Both kids are thriving and it has been joyous to see the young adults they have become. The off color humor that defines our family was present and everything that the 3 of us had gone through in the past year made that moment so much more poignant.

This year was about spending time together, Christmas music blaring through the house, chocolate Turkey cupcakes in honor of my mom, seeing friends and family, taking the dogs for a walk, and the absolute deliciousness of doing nothing.

Last year was about.....I'm just so thankful this year didn't involve what last year did. And I hopefully will never have to pay my lawyer again. And I LOVE my lawyer.

Everything happens for a reason. I look at that magnet on my refrigerator every single day.

Sometimes, it takes a year, or even longer, to understand why. Actually that's not true. There are somethings I will never understand. This one, I won't. But what I have done is learned from the experience and apply it as I move forward. That's all I can do. That's all we can do.

But hanging out on my bed with the human and canine children, something clicked inside of me. This, this moment is what it's all about. None of us live in the same city and as they grow and experience new things, it's unlikely we all will end up living in the same place. Miles might separate us but that comfort and intimacy of the three of us will always be there. Every day I give gratitude that they both have the warrior that I have in them and walk through the fire, and come out stronger and wanting to help others. My kids kick ass.

I reminded myself of all these lessons on Sunday morning as I faced my first snow storm as an Empty Nester and found myself in another transition.

I woke up to the 20 year old giving me life advice and I heard the words, "It's about how you handle the storm.." and in my grogginess I'm thinking, "This would be the perfect scene in the life of my movie-my 20 year old son giving me relationship advice as I lay in bed with a pillow over my head." Then I realized, "OMG, that's the advice I gave him-he's quoting me!" And I started to laugh. Belly laugh. Hey, at least I know he listened.

And this is where the lessons of the past came through loud and clear in all different forms. I knew that I was going to go from a full house to an empty one, preparing myself for my first storm solo, and transitioning myself to a new chapter. On paper, I should have been lying in the fetal position, with a pint of Ben and Jerry's watching Bridget Jones for the 100th time. Maybe that's what the Steph of 2 years ago would have done. This one-she grabbed that pen and said, "I'm writing this chapter."

"Throw away the script." I think I've gotten myself in so many situations because I thought I had to follow a script. I threw away my Sunday script, and did what I wanted, and needed to do.

I took the dogs for a 90 minute hike in the morning. It was a brilliant Sunday morning, the calm before the storm. Usually I'm at the gym. This was so much more glorious. As we hiked, I listened to my girls Lizzo and Beyonce because it was such a Lizzo and Beyonce kind of morning. Then these words came through my earbuds.

I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade.

Click. This storm is a blip on the radar compared to the Blizzard of 2018. All that great advice I gave the boy about weathering storms came back to me and this is me realizing that, OMG I am so wise (and yay for dry shampoo-look at those layers).

Then we did something we've never done before (and I bring these dogs to to same park EVERY DAY). We took a left where we usually take a right. The looks on their little faces were priceless. They went sprinting down the path.

And what a beautiful path it was.

Another deep Sunday morning revelation as these lyrics streamed through my ears.

I am free, yeah yeah

Come water me, oh oh

(I am totally serious in telling you that my hike was so empowering that I'm thinking this might be my new Sunday thing). We have been to this park over 500 times. Easily. We never took the left. Why? There is an entirely new wooded world out there. I loved taking in all the new sights. That's life folks. Go off the beaten path. Throw away the script. Sing Lizzo at the top of your lungs deep in the woods.

Then I did something I wanted to do. I went to the movies at 11:00 in the morning. Why?

Do I need another reason why?

Exactly.

After battling the storm crowds at Whole Foods and Trader Joe's I realized there was a 3:30 yoga class at the gym.

Yoga at 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon?

Yes, please.

My Sunday morning yoga practice used to be one of my favorites. Due to life changes, I haven't been going to yoga on Sundays for a couple of months. Um, Sunday afternoon yoga might be my new favorite thing. After a shower and nice Eucalyptus steam, I left the gym relaxed and ready to cook some soup and get ready for an actual storm. My first alone.

Fact: when my Mom died, I couldn't be alone in the house. At all. After the Discard, I worked so hard at being comfortable alone. As we know, I have actually loved my Empty Nester phase and appreciate the quiet and independence. But a storm? Solo? Storms and snow days for me were full of kids, baking, movies, and eating.

I have had the most glorious snow day. I binge watched Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Meet Maya. She's a feisty liberal who wears her heart on her sleeve, and stays in relationships too long.

Yeah, love her.

I made soup. I read. I drank too many cups of tea to count. I got rid of a lot of my cable. I ordered new tires for my car (thanks to my neighbors for their sand and strength to get my car up the hill today-totally baking them cookies) And yes, I shoveled.

That look is, "Holy crap we're getting another storm tomorrow and I will most likely be doing this again." My playlist is called Real Women Shovel. Lizzo, Missy, Selena, Taylor, Eve, Beyonce, Rihanna, Sofi Tukker, and Billie Eilish.

Oh Billie, you're going to find yourself on multiple of my playlists. And though I realize it appears I now have the musical taste of a 17 year old girl...well, what if I do? These women got me through 90 minutes of shoveling that driveway ALL BY MYSELF.

So what does one do after shoveling heavy snow for 90 minutes? Go lift heavy weights at the gym.

Despite difficult memories of the past and new transitions, I feel so grounded. I look back at where I was a year ago and where I am today. Every single experience I am grateful for. I try my best to learn from them as I write the next chapter. My Thanksgiving yoga practiced ended with the words, "Every day that we wake up is a gift. Every day. Live and love to the fullest." It really is that simple. I show up trying to be present, and trying my best. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Appreciate the value and move on. Like my magnet that I read every day as I walk out the door says,

Someone I know who went through the Discard experience with me at the same time, sent me this. Now a year ago, I might have scoffed because it was pop and I was so above that. Now, I'm like, OMG pop from a Latina!

Of course she was sad But now she's glad she dodged a bullet (Mm) Took a few years to soak up the tears But look at her now, watch her go

She knows she'll find love (She knows) Only if she wants it She knows she'll find love (She knows) She knows she'll find love (She knows) Only if she wants it She knows she'll find love (She knows) On the up from the way down Look at her now, watch her go

So there's another storm on its way. Literally. And I'm sure there are many more storms of different magnitudes on whatever paths I choose to take. I know that whatever kind of storm I encounter, I'll be fine with a lot of tea, my Hulu, yoga, girl power songs, and a shovel. Actually, add a plunger too. Because OMG the third season of Mrs. Maisel debuts on Friday and we know how I LOVE Susie, the woman who carries a plunger with her for anything messy that comes her way.

Beloved family-please put a plunger on my Christmas list.

xoxo

Steph

#family #familia #lookathernow #growth #empowerment #strength #independence #joy #gratitude #yoga #emptynester #latina #dogs